Monday, June 4, 2018

life lately + infertility update

"Lilli would make a great big sister. When are you going to have another?"

A question asked by our neighbor last weekend who knew nothing about our last year and a half of infertility. One who did not know about our recent loss. She was simply a sweet neighbor that didn't realize what she was really asking.

I really haven't been alright since.

Life has been...bittersweet...lately.

Ever since our miscarriage back in March, it feels as if Kyle and I can't really seem to grasp much of anything. We've been living life in sort of a limbo, trying not to touch the bar, but trying not to let it fall, either.

We're sad. We're really, really sad. I never understood how hard miscarriage could be, especially after waiting a year for the pregnancy, until we had one.

The miscarriage itself was devastating, but there's a lot I didn't realize that happened afterward. The crying when a pregnancy announcement pops up on my social media feed. The heartbreak when you read about someone else's loss. The heart-wrenching feeling when I see a pair of siblings on my newsfeed.

And then there are two friends who got pregnant the same week I did. The two women whose babies still live in their growing bellies, while mine lives in heaven. Don't get me wrong - I'm overjoyed for the new life growing inside of them. But as I watch their growing bellies, it kills me to look down at my own empty one.

We've started infertility treatments.

Loads of medication, testing, procedures, injections, and even a surgery this summer. I never really thought this would be our life.

But here we are.

There have been some people who have said, "I'm sure it'll all work out." and "You're still young! You've got plenty of time." and even, "You have Lilli. Isn't that enough?"

And I want to scream, "Of course she's enough! Even if she's all we'll ever have, she'll always be enough!"

But I grew up an only child. I grew up an only child on a street where we were the only house in the middle of nowhere. I grew up in a very small family. I spent many days alone.

I don't want Lilli to be alone.

God placed it on our hearts many, many months ago to have a second baby. To grow our family. To give Lilli someone to do life with.

It's still there.

But for the life of me, we're having the hardest time making it happen.

And it really, really stinks.

If it doesn't happen, then we'll know it's what God had planned for our family from the beginning. But I won't give up until we've tried everything and I know I did all I could do to bring another life into this world, to give Lilli a sibling, to settle this want in my heart.

I realize this post is a vomit of words. It gives you a glimpse into our everyday life of unknowns and "I hope so's" and "I don't know's".

Please pray for us. We aren't sure where God is leading us, but we know He's holding us each step of the way. We're so thankful for everyone that has supported us, prayed for us, and held us through even the hardest of times. We can't thank you enough.




13 comments:

  1. So sorry for the pain you are dealing with and I pray God gives you both your heart’s desire, i have never personally dealt with miscarriage, but I know women who have so I am praying for you through this

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    1. Thank you, Tola. It's definitely hard, but I know it'll work out how it's supposed to in the end. Thanks for taking the time to stop by!

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  2. You are in my prayers every single day, Brandi. Every single day. XO

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    1. You're so sweet, Lindsay. Thank you. <3

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  3. I've had some friends deal with this as well. They were given less than a 10% chance to have children even with the fertility treatments. They have since been blessed with twins! As you know the treatments will be long, and sometimes painful, but if this is in your plan it will all be worth it. I have faith for you and your resiliency.

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    1. Thank you so much! We trust that no matter what happens, it's in God's perfect plan for us. :)

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  4. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. XOXO

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  5. Hi Brandi. This is super encouraging, I came across your post on instagram.. and I too battled in my heart with God. It's true He knows the desires of our hearts. I am 23, young & healthy... feels great until a year later without being able to conceive. Many days someone comes up to me and says that my daughter would make a great big sister! And that is true.. she would be great. I am learning to press into my desires & never let it slip away! Whether it be my own child or adoption. It will happen. Thank you for reminding me that I am blessed where my family is at.

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    1. Thank you for your encouraging words! You are so right - we are always blessed, but our desires matter, too! Thanks for stopping by. <3

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  6. I just found this post through IG. Thank you for writing this. We struggled for 2 years to get pregnant with our first and have been trying for another for almost a year. Then we had our first miscarriage at Christmas and our second at Mother's Day. Thank you for writing the feelings I'm experiencing too. ❤

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, Kelly. I will be praying for you and your family, and I'm sorry for both of your losses. <3

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  7. Oh Brandi, I can so relate and I appreciate you sharing your heart. I too didn't realize how much hurt comes after and still haven't brought myself to talk it about much. We lost a baby in November and this pregnancy now has been so rough on me with all of these mixed emotions and what ifs. I can't even believe some of the comments people make without realizing how hurtful things can be. Of course Lilli is enough for you, but when you have a desire in your heart and there is a hurdle to get there, comments like that don't make it any easier. You will continue to be in my prayers <3 Sierra Beautifully Candid

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