Thursday, April 5, 2018

the stages of my relationship with God after my miscarriage

It’s hard losing a baby. It’s really hard losing a baby after waiting over a year for her. Praying for her. Yearning for her. Hoping for her.

Another post that might interest you: Our Journey with Secondary Infertility 

I had so many emotions during the weeks during and after my miscarriage, especially with God.
My relationship with God isn’t the same as it was a few months ago. It’s stronger, but it definitely didn’t start out that way.

You've heard of the stages of grief, right? 

Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining. 
Depression.
Acceptance.

My relationship with God went through stages after our miscarriage. I think the beginning stages were a bit accelerated because only a week after I had my surgery, it was Easter weekend. God gave me so much comfort during that weekend that as much as I wanted to hang on to my beginning stages, I was graciously forced to let go.

It went a bit like this:

Shock. I didn’t believe, couldn’t believe, this was happening. I didn't want to believe God had allowed this to happen. We had waited so long for this little soul and before we had a true chance to celebrate her, she was gone.

Anger. Once the numbness had worn off, the anger soon came. I yelled at God, angry at Him for being so cruel. Why would He make us wait so long, just to take her away? Why would he do this to us?

Distrust. This stage overlapped with Anger. How could I ever trust God again after He did this to us? I didn't feel like I could.

Silence. I quit talking to God for a few days. I gave Him the silent treatment. I’m not proud of it, but I did it. I was hurt, in pain, grieving, mourning. It didn’t make sense and it didn’t seem fair. I was heartbroken.

Loneliness. I had so many wonderful friends and family that reached out to us, brought us meals, prayed over us, checked in on us. Not to mention my wonderful husband who did everything in his power to help his family through this. But something was missing. Deep in the night when everyone was asleep but me, I felt a void in my heart, right next to the place that held my love for Linley.

Forgiveness. God didn’t need to be forgiven – not at all. But I needed to forgive the situation and give myself the grace to mourn. Because deep down I knew, nothing we went through was anything that didn’t go through God first. When I put aside my anger and hurt aside, I prayed one thing to God after I apologized for my absence:

“Why did You do this to us?”

And I heard so, so clearly (which almost never happens to me):

“I didn’t do this TO you. I did this FOR you.”

Dependence. I yearn for God’s presence. I yearn for His comfort and love. I long for His assurance that He hasn’t and won’t ever leave me, even in the most heartbreaking of times. Do I know why we went through this? Not really. Will I ever? Probably not while we’re on this earth. Do I trust Him anyway? Yes. Why? He sees the whole picture, like, the entire thing, while I only see the tiniest portion. It's obvious who is the better one to trust.

Having this dependence on God does not mean I still don't mourn. It doesn't mean I still don't cry without warning throughout the day. It doesn't mean I don't miss the child I never got to hold.

It means I'm aware that I can't go through this life alone. I can't do this life without Him, nor do I want to.

The best part of all of this: in all the days and weeks I was angry with Him, He hurt for me. He yearned for me. He waited for me. He loved me, still.

Why would I want anything but that?


→The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.←
Psalm 34:18

pin for later






8 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I can't even imagine what it felt like going through this, but definitely have had these talks and feelings with God.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading! They are definitely hard chats with God.

      Delete
  2. This is such a lovely post and you are so brave for telling your story. I've never been through a miscarriage but my heart breaks for you mamas who have. It's comforting to know God is always there for us, even when we are not turned to Him. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so sweet of you to say, Brittany. I agree; it is so comforting to know that. Thank you for taking the time to read!

      Delete
  3. I am sorry for your loss but enjoy this awesome testimony of how God is healing you and giving you peace. I am so happy you have much support as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. It definitely has helped having support during this time. Thank you for stopping by, Kim!

      Delete
  4. My heart broke for you as I read this. I am so very sorry for you, and your family's loss. As I prepare for my own child in a few weeks, I can't even being to imagine the pain that you feel, but we do know that God will never put something in front of us that we can't handle. While we can never begin to understand God's plan, I am glad you found your reconciliation and trust again. You're one of the strongest women that I've ever known and you and your family will continue to persevere and when you feel like you're too heavy, God will always be there to carry you until you can begin to trek again. I pray for Him to continue to comfort you, Kyle, and Lilli. 831.
    -Jay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. They are truly appreciated! Always trusting in Him!

      Delete