Thursday, August 31, 2017

seven things to ponder before you ask "when are you having another baby?"

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Let me start off this post by saying that I know when someone asks, “When are you going to have another baby?”, there’s a good chance they mean well.

However, that “simple” question can bring up a lot of feelings more than just plain awkwardness.


So, before you ask someone when they are going to have another baby (or have their first), think about these seven things first:

ONE || Maybe that mom has been trying for a lot longer than you realize. She’s had negative test after negative test, and her heart is already hurting. Or, even worse, she just suffered a heartbreaking loss. Is she supposed to say, “Hopefully soon.”, or maybe “When the time is right.”, or maybe she’ll be brutally honest: “We’ve been trying for eight months, three weeks, and two days. I’d love to tell you when we are having another, but I honestly don’t know. I’ll get back to you on it.”

TWO || Maybe their marriage is going through a tough time, a really tough time. They are just trying to stay together, and having another baby isn’t going to alleviate the stress, hurt, and confusion. She might say, “We aren’t sure yet.”, or be brutally honest and say: “My husband and I are currently navigating a tough spot in our marriage and we are focusing on us right now, but thanks for asking.”

THREE || Maybe there’s an ongoing health issue that makes it impossible to conceive at the moment. After all, it’s usually in the best interest to be optimally healthy when you become pregnant. Should she say, “Hopefully soon.”, or be brutally honest and say: “I’m really struggling to keep myself afloat and healthy right now, but go ahead and pour salt in the wound that I’m not able to have another baby right now.”



FOUR || Maybe they can’t afford another baby right now. They aren’t even living paycheck to paycheck because their paychecks aren’t enough to cover what last week’s paycheck missed. Maybe she will say, “Someday.”, or maybe she’ll be brutally honest and say: “If you’re offering to help us financially, by all means, we’re accepting. But until then, it’s not in the best interest of our family to have another baby until we are more financially stable.”

FIVE || Maybe they struggled with postpartum depression or anxiety so severe that they are terrified to have another. Unless you’ve gone through PPD or PPA, you can’t even begin to fathom the heart-wrenching fear, guilt, and confusion it brings. Maybe she’ll say, “I’d like to think sometime soon.”, or maybe she’ll be brutally honest and say: “My postpartum depression ran me through the wringer with my last baby, and while I love him/her with everything I have, I’m not ready to go through that again.”

SIX || Maybe she’s already pregnant and they aren’t ready to announce and now you’re just makin’ things real awkward. Maybe she’ll say, “Soon.”, or be brutally honest and just walk away.

SEVEN || Or, maybe, it’s something even more horrifying (read: sarcasm) like…they are done having kids. Maybe it’s one, three, or none. They are sure at this point in their lives that their family is complete and that’s all there is to it. Maybe she’ll say “Our family is complete.”, or be brutally honest and say: “Nunya business.”



I know you probably (keyword: probably) mean well when you ask someone if/when/how they are having a baby. I know. But just between me and you: please stop asking.


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21 comments:

  1. Amen to this!! While B and I never had any trouble conceiving, it was still annoying how many times we got asked that question. People literally started asking us that at our wedding. It's like okaaaay can we just slow it down a little?! Haha.

    And I currently have six friends struggling with infertility. SIX. I can't even imagine how they must feel when they get asked that question. It must be just awful.

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    1. Wow, at your wedding?! Geez!! Haha! Oh my, that is so heartbreaking to hear! I'm definitely praying for them. It's a question that many don't realize can really hurt if asked at the wrong time!

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    2. Great post! It's such a personal question and so inappropriate. I have had many casual acquaintances ask this. I would also add to your list that perhaps the woman has had a miscarriage and is dealing with that loss. There are so many reasons why you should not ask this question! Thanks for writing this. Very important!

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    3. Cindy, you are very right, I should add that to this post. Thank you for your kind thoughts!

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  2. I know what you mean! For some reason people think they're invited into your bedroom when it comes to pregnancy and kids. I've had so many people tell me I'm done having kids. I'm like no. I'm not. I'm having more- so??? Sigh. One day people will learn...maybe.

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    1. You're right, the flip side is just as hard! Thank you for sharing!

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  3. This is SO good! We've struggled with infertility and thankfully (right now) it's not tender subject but there definitely was a day when it was!

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    1. I'm so sorry for your struggle! I'm very glad it's not as tender as it used to be. <3

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  4. Before I had kids, I never understood how delicate these questions could be. Especially after experiencing difficulties conceiving, I am much more aware of how hurtful and awkward it can be. People mean well...

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    1. Spot on!! I agree with you 100%. Thanks for sharing!

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  5. These are so true. I remember when we were trying and were not successful. It hurt every time someone asked about it. I just said hopefully soon, but in my heart I wanted to say we have been trying for x months, days, and so on. So yes, this hits home for me.

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    1. <3 I'm so sorry for your struggles, friend. I understand that feeling all too well. So thankful for your sweet babies!!

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  6. You are spot on with all of these thoughts! This is even good advice for people with their first kid as well! We need to be sensitive to others and not put our expectations on someone else.

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    1. Most definitely, Amanda! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!

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  7. This is absolutely spot on. And honestly...I can't understand why people still ask that!! It's so nosy and personal.

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    1. Kristy, thank you for your kind thoughts! I definitely agree with you.

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  8. Same goes for women struggling with infertility who haven't even had one yet. I can't count the number of times I've been asked "when are you going to start having kids?" When I struggle to get out of bed sometimes with the knowledge that we've been trying for seven (that's 7) years and nothing I really can't take the immense pressure to make you happy by having a baby so you feel better. Not to mention how do you explain to someone that you are grieving someone that doesn't even exist yet and every time you ask, it's (as you said) pouring salt on an open, festering wound.

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    1. I'm so, so sorry to hear about your struggles, Abbey. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. I am praying for you, sweet friend!

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  9. This is absolutely spot on. And honestly...I can't understand why people still ask that!! It's so nosy and personal.

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  10. This question always makes me laugh. My husband and I have struggled with infertility and now that I am days away from having our first baby, people have already started asking when we're going to have another one. Truth is I don't know. If I had control over when we were going to have children, we would already have a bunch on them by now. ha ha.

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    1. Congratulations in advance!! What a blessing! It's definitely not a question with an easy answer.

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